I Don’t Need You, “Father”…

Lord, I’m saying I need You in this capacity.

And I started in the middle because something quietly terrifying and gripping threatens to hold me in its comfortable silence.  So I have to force it out before I truly realize what I’m doing and LORD, I NEED A FRIEND.

I am tired. Soul disheveled. Hair unkempt. Hormonal. Daily battling the depression Your Spirit refuses to let me embrace.  I feel alone and am wondering how on Earth You entrust me to care for–to guide–this precious and fragile gift. And I am sometimes afraid that my little child can see right through me and maybe thinks I am a fraud.  Because some days, there is no happiness in here.  But I love You, still.  And I don’t know if that shines brighter than the Darkness Your Spirit refuses to let me embrace.

And I’m telling You that I want You, NEED You to be my friend.  Because I am sitting down right now to cry over some gelato I splurged on.  And I want You to sit with me and this extra spoon and tell me how much You agree that everything sucks but we have each other, this pint of decadence, and a movie.

 

I had written the above a few weeks ago and I remember doing just as I felt that I needed. Sitting on my couch and inviting Jesus to hang with me and my extra spoon. I sobbed a little. Maybe a lot. What I clearly recall now, is the feeling of relief. Like a long conversation with a sister or best girlfriend in which one does all the talking and the other nods. I felt Him listening to me, not offering advice or a “Word”…just listening and nodding. Right now, as I type, I am realizing that He understands that sometimes what we truly need is to take a load off. No unsolicited advice. No condemnation. It was a holy moment for me. I felt His tangible Presence and His appreciation of that extra spoon.

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